{"id":121,"date":"2015-08-29T19:30:56","date_gmt":"2015-08-29T19:30:56","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.robertmarton.com\/?p=121"},"modified":"2015-09-01T20:00:46","modified_gmt":"2015-09-01T20:00:46","slug":"father-bernie-needs-a-smoke","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.robertmarton.com\/?p=121","title":{"rendered":"Father Bernie Needs a Smoke"},"content":{"rendered":"

Father Bernie Needs a Smoke<\/strong><\/p>\n

by Robert J. Marton<\/strong><\/p>\n

He wished he could smoke in the confessional.\u00a0 Puffing along, blowing a few rings\u2026 \u00a0He could be like an Indian in a teepee, with smoke rising from the top of his little box, signaling to the waiting sinners that Father Bernie was ready to give absolution.<\/p>\n

The sinners always found him anyway.\u00a0 Especially the teenagers.\u00a0 He gave easy penance:\u00a0 three Our Father\u2019s and three Hail Mary\u2019s, no matter what the sins were.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t scold (usually); just dished out absolution and sent them on their way to sin again.\u00a0 Unlike some of his colleagues, he saw no point in admonishment or a harsh penance, especially for young people.\u00a0 They signaled their intent to do<\/i> better and be<\/i> better just by showing up \u2013 making it hard on them might just push them away.\u00a0 And what would that accomplish?<\/p>\n

In these early years of the 1970\u2019s, less than 10 years since the Vatican II changes in the Church, Father Bernie still preferred the old fashioned confessional booth to the semi-public face-to-face penance; and many penitents \u2013especially the young\u2014opted for the privacy of the closed booth.<\/p>\n

Many of their sins were committed in the dark; why not confess them in the dark?<\/p>\n

Sometimes he encountered real darkness of the human soul.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t recall anyone ever confessing to a murder, but he had heard more than his share of brutality, abuse (sexual and other wise), and pure base lust.\u00a0 Usually the lust didn\u2019t bother him (most people suffered far too much guilt over normal human desires), but occasionally someone tried to get easy forgiveness for truly base and degrading behavior.<\/p>\n

He still gave absolution and his standard penance.<\/p>\n

He was just the agent \u2013 God can sort it all out in the end.<\/p>\n

A stirring on the other side of the confessional: He slid open the screen and spoke through the lattice:\u00a0 \u201cIn the name of the Father, the Son, and Holy Spirit.\u201d<\/p>\n

The young male voice whispered:\u00a0 \u201cBless me Father for I have sinned.\u00a0 It has been two weeks since my last confession.\u201d<\/p>\n

Father Bernie knew this would be one of the easy ones, the minor venial sins that plague an adolescent\u2019s mind.\u00a0 Besides, he recognized the voice \u2013 one of the Fagan twins, either Tegan or Regan (first names rhyme with last name); they were identical in so many ways that it was near impossible to tell them apart, especially by voice.\u00a0 They were also identical in their insolence and bad manners, but they managed to make confession fairly often, being marched to church by their devout and long suffering Irish mother, Megan (who was the inspiration for their euphonic first names).<\/p>\n

Tegan\u2019s (or Regan\u2019s) litany of sins:<\/p>\n

I disobeyed my mother five times.<\/i><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/i>I had impure thoughts twice.<\/i><\/p>\n

I told three lies.<\/i><\/p>\n

I copied someone else\u2019s homework one time.<\/i><\/p>\n

He pauses.<\/p>\n

Father Bernie interjects:\u00a0 \u201cAre there any other sins you wish to confess?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, Father.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat about the incense at last Sunday\u2019s Mass?\u201d<\/p>\n

Silence from the other side of the screen.<\/p>\n

Father Bernie asks, \u201cWell?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIncense, Father?\u00a0 What do you mean?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe incense, Mr. Fagan \u2026 when you tried to choke the congregation, and gave me a huge sinus headache.\u00a0 Don\u2019t you think that\u2019s a sin?\u201d<\/p>\n

Silence \u2013embarrassed silence\u2014again.<\/p>\n

After a few years of \u201csmoke free\u201d services, St. Francis of Assisi recently brought back the use of incense during Mass.\u00a0 While many in the congregation could do without the cough-inducing smell and smoke, the altar boys loved it.\u00a0 The younger altar boys could barely get the fire going, but for the older boys \u2013like Tegan and Regan– firing up the coals to inferno proportions was an art.\u00a0 They cranked it up to bonfire level so that the coals not only burned long and hot, but created a cloud of smoke that covered the entire church.<\/p>\n

It truly got out of hand last Sunday at 9 o\u2019clock Mass.\u00a0 The Fagan twins \u2013degenerate sons of Bernie\u2019s old school mate \u201cCrazy Patrick\u201d Fagan– were in charge of the censer (the incense vehicle, for you heathens) and Father Bernie could tell from the very beginning what was going to happen from the little smiles they gave each other. \u00a0It was smoking like mad and they could barely contain themselves. \u00a0Tegan (or was it Regan?) handed the censer to Father Bernie, who gave it gave it a lot of chain and a big double swing (as opposed to a single swing, which is just one outward motion \u2013 a double swing is an outward swing, letting it swing inside, then another outward swing). \u00a0The smoke and smell just poured out.<\/p>\n

The church filled with smoke. \u00a0The priest started sneezing and couldn\u2019t stop. \u00a0The congregants coughed and choked. \u00a0You could barely see the altar through the smoke. The altar boys were smiling at each other and Father Bernie was none too happy.<\/p>\n

After Mass, he didn\u2019t say anything to the boys \u2013 just glared at them.\u00a0 They knew he would get them eventually.<\/p>\n

In the confessional, Father Bernie continued:\u00a0 \u201cSomeone\u2019s been hitting the altar wine, too.\u00a0 Any idea who that could be?\u201d<\/p>\n

Again, silence.<\/p>\n

\u201cYour penance is three Our Father\u2019s and three Hail Mary\u2019s, and try to control your behavior.\u00a0 Remember to pray to Jesus in times of temptation.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Father.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd let someone else handle the incense from now on.\u201d<\/p>\n

No comment.<\/p>\n

\u201cIf you\u2019re the one drinking the altar wine \u2026 well, that\u2019s punishment enough.\u00a0 That stuff tastes like crap.\u00a0 Now, say the Act of Contrition.\u201d<\/p>\n

A weak voiced, contrite Tegan (or Regan) responded with his mangled version of \u00a0Contrition:<\/p>\n

\u201cO my God, I am ‘hardly’ sorry for having offended Thee, and I ‘desist’ all my sins, because I dread the loss of heaven, and the ‘painful’ hell; but most of all because they offend Thee, my God, Who are all good and ‘serving’ of all my love. I firmly resolve, with the help of Thy grace, to confess my sins, to do penance, and to ‘defend’ my life.\u00a0 Amen.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

Blessing the penitent with the sign of the cross, Father Bernie finished the rite: \u201cI absolve you of your sins in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.\u00a0 Go in peace.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks be to God.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

Another soul wiped clean.<\/p>\n

Bernie still craved a cigarette. He could blow smoke into the eyes and sinuses of sinners who annoyed him (like the teenagers who came to confession on Saturday afternoon to get absolved of last Saturday night\u2019s\u00a0 sexual behavior, so that they could go out tonight and do it again).<\/p>\n

Clean the slate and start over.<\/p>\n

Say you\u2019re sorry and a few prayers.<\/p>\n

God loves and forgives you, even through the fog of incense and insincerity.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Father Bernie Needs a Smoke by Robert J. Marton He wished he could smoke in the confessional.\u00a0 Puffing along, blowing a few rings\u2026 \u00a0He could be like an Indian in a teepee, with smoke rising from the top of his little box, signaling to the waiting sinners that Father Bernie was ready to give absolution.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.robertmarton.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/121"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.robertmarton.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.robertmarton.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.robertmarton.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.robertmarton.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=121"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"http:\/\/www.robertmarton.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/121\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":125,"href":"http:\/\/www.robertmarton.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/121\/revisions\/125"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.robertmarton.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=121"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.robertmarton.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=121"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.robertmarton.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=121"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}